Writing Assignment: #1

Over the past few years, I have become increasingly interested in examining my Catholic upbringing, my ultimate rejection of the religion and the way it has, and still does, affect me. My interest often falls into the realm of obsession and much of my artwork addresses various facets of it.
This is why, when we began generating issues relating to gender and identity in class, I offered the topic of religion to the list. I would say that all of my exploration, and fascination, with the subject matter has to do with gender and identity. Having the Virgin Mary as a role model, the oppression of women rampant in the Bible, extreme guilt and anxiety relating to almost anything bodily, the church's stance on homosexuality, etc. are the main issues I have focused on.
I grew up attending weekly mass and Catechism classes at the most conservative church in the diocese. Though the teachings were often extremely strict and accusatory, my parents had very different attitudes. Faith, for them, was and is not about oppression, but love. They taught my brother and me to be kind and honest and ensured we knew we were loved unconditionally. They also taught us to think for ourselves and, being Democrats, their views would at time clash with the church's.
I have a very strong memory of standing in a pew next to my mother during a sermon about how a wife must honor her husband. I was young, but still understood it enough to be completely appalled. I sneaked a sideways glance at my mother and her expression, though composed to anyone who didn't know her, was so telling: it was really all in the pursing of her lips. Though I knew, regardless, she couldn't possibly agree with the sermon, the look on her face provided a bit of relief for the mounting guilt I felt for disagreeing myself. Eventually my opposition spread so violently that my parents stopped waking me on Sunday mornings.
It's a bit hard to directly cite influences that have formed my view on this issue. Most of it came from inside me and the raging battle of my thoughts, feelings and opinions versus the Catholic guilt it took me years to shake. Though my parents are Catholics, the manner in which they raised me (to be strong, independent, and think for myself) certainly had a huge hand in eventually straying from the church. As a child, seeing my best friend's father use the Bible to oppress his wife, her family, and his daughter greatly affected me. Friends who were raised without religion provided me with views I might not have considered otherwise. Coming to terms with my body and shedding the terror I felt whenever I had a remotely sexual thought, recognizing and objecting to the church's hateful stance on issues such as homosexuality and abortion, and in general taking issue with the constant, blatant hypocrisy were all things I experienced along the way.
Though it took years of introspection and personal experience to develop my current attitude, it was always a source of comfort to find anything that, and anyone who, could support my ideas and emotions on the matter. As I became more and more exposed to new music, any lyrics I came across that touched on and agreed with my views, I ate up. A line in a book, a quote in a movie, anything that reminded me I wasn't alone. Even comedians (Bill Hicks, for example) were helpful - possibly more so, because I started becoming comfortable with humor as an outlet.
I've been examining all this in different ways for some time, but still feel I've only really touched the surface.